Lamenting the End of Summer

This was going to be the summer I wrote daily.

Epic fail.

However, that doesn't mean the summer was a failure. It just means I didn't write. It was, actually, a great, great summer.

God met me. He showed me stuff about myself. About the world. About how the world and I go together.

I read. TONS. There were many blogs and articles (I am a recovering magazine addict) and books. Just a few of the books were:

• Interrupted and Seven by Jen Hatmaker
• Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis of Amazima Ministry
• Half the Sky by Nicholas D. Kristoff and Sheryl WuDunn

My perspective is forever altered. I saw missionaries speak at various churches. I prayed about where God may or may not be stirring my heart. I am excited to move into the future.

In addition, I felt like God graciously granted my hubby and I joy in several areas that were draining the life out of us at the beginning of the year.

We hosted a family reunion for his family, so everyone could visit his parents at the Alzheimer's facility they now live in.

We threw a birthday party for my nephew.

We went to Disneyland.

We hosted a MURDER MYSTERY LUAU.

The day after the last family member pulled away, we served the Lord.

There were bbq's and water parks and pool days and naps and I just LOVE, love, love summer.

I miss it already.

Growth

Recently I read a great blog post: http://michaelhyatt.com/find-mentor.html It basically describes ways to get input that will help with personal growth. It is great, and it has made me think.

Over the years I have been mentored from afar by many great and talented people. People I have studied and learned from with (sometimes) very little contact. Others with a great deal of contact. I have asked many direct questions to fuel my growth and satisfy my thirst for knowledge. I have also watched subtleties in how different people interact with others.

I am so far from the person I want to be, but I am closer than I was before.

Much of my struggle as a human being is in the area of organization. I have spent hours reading blogs and books and magazines trying to change. Recently I have had a few tastes of doing things in an organized manner...I liked it.

The other night my hubby and I had the privilege of taking our turn to host a "Supper Club." For nearly a year 4 other couples have joined us every few months, as we potluck at each other's homes. It is a great time to gather and share and laugh. The husbands actually have as much fun as the wives do!

Sometimes PINTEREST can be my mentor. It can be the source that paints the picture for me of how I want my life to feel. I was actually organized for my company to come over...

Lately it seems like several people I have admired have either fallen off their pedestal or fallen on hard times. 

Some I think..."I used to want to be like you, but I am not sure I feel that way anymore." Others, it is more like..."I still want my life to be like your life used to be." 

I am in a time of transition. So far I have protected myself from filling the emptiness I face with filler. I am fighting the urge to avoid having nothing immediately replace the something I lost.

My life is actually already full. But loss can make me grasp for anything to hold on to. Part of this journey is learning to decipher the way people I admire look, and who they really are, and not worrying about how I look, but on who I really am.

Psalm 46:10 says: Be still, and know that I am God.

In being still, I give myself time to acquire wisdom. Sometimes it is wisdom I already possess. Sometimes it is wisdom I must seek out. "Walk with the wise and become wise, for the companion of fools suffers harm," Proverbs 20:13.

I want to be wise, and this summer I want to grow in wisdom. I will make that happen by:

• Reading materials written by wise people. Classic works of literature, blogs about subjects I am looking to grow in and most importantly I will read my Bible.
• Spending time with wise friends, and getting rid of useless words and conversation in my life.
• Simplifying. I want to clear out clutter so that my mind can be more clear.
• Serving HIM. I have a huge Brighten A Corner project coming up. This ALWAYS grows my character.

I am peaceful. I am excited. I will be growing...

Inspired

I volunteered to make centerpieces for the 8th grade graduation at my daughter's school. She is in 7th grade. Next year will be her last before high school...I am slightly nauseous as I write that.

There was a request for simple flowers. Daisies. I am not a florist, but I thought, "Why not?"

Flowers in Mason Jars.

It has been said to me in the last several weeks that I seem to have more conflict in my life than most. My daughter's former school was a huge source of such conflict. It grieved my hubby and me. We still love that precious little school that struggles; but it is such a stark contrast to the healthy environment we now call our school.

It allows me to grow. Instead of feeling like I needed to do the whole graduation, I could sign up to do flowers. Even better, I could e-mail the others who signed up, and we could each do a bit.

This amount of order to the process is huge growth for me. This was the day before the graduation.

I long to be the person I am not. Organized. Efficient. Clutter Free.

The graduation was at a home. And the home has sent my mind spinning since I arrived. It is not that I am envious. I don't necessarily want that home, but it was such an accurate reflection of the people who owned the home. It was complete. Finished. Simple. Whimsical. Serious.

I want to make progress in my journey to create a home that reflects me. And I want a homeschool environment similar to the one in that house. (Maybe there is a bit of envy.) I am inspired.

Here's hoping it leads to action!

Great Plans

The depression was creeping in; dark fingers in the periphery of my mind. I knew it was coming.

A place of ministry that I love is coming to an end I don't understand. I know life is messy. I know condemnation comes in places I don't want. Don't agree with. Can't stop.

But God's timing was purposeful. Impeccable. Sovereign. Because I could not bow down to the cloud of depression.

When the depression started in, the ministry of my heart, Brighten A Corner, had a fund raising concert just two days away. This was already a PLAN B, as PLAN A failed to come together. I knew I had to remain engaged. The team had worked so hard...and it was coming together.

People started coming. Auction prizes were being bid on and sweets were being delighted in.

The opening three acts were all fabulous. The Holy Spirit was thick in a room of people enjoying music, ministry and one another. The hard work was paying off.

I introduced the headlining band CLOVERTON...thrilled that my little idea of bringing them in for a concert had come to life. I was the only one on the team who knew their music--the one song played on the radio and another on the internet--but the team gathered around the idea. When the band took the stage the room was electric. Their talent was stunning. The music, the lights, the smoke filled atmosphere of the church was the breathe of fresh air my soul was craving...

Then the lead singer, Lance (who feels like a friend) began to share from his heart. The other band members discreetly left the stage as the spotlight rained down on a man and his piano. He began to share his song about a great verse, Jeremiah 29:11. Great Plans I have you.

And I was undone.

I know you’re tired

the darkness in your eyes

I’ve come to recognize

So lay yourself down

in the shelter of my tree

rest awhile with me, here

Great plans I have for you

No one's opinion of me should ever replace God's opinion of me.

And HE used music to fill my soul with hope, as my heart is going through the humanness of grief.

Over and over that song is being poured into my mind. The tears of loss are falling, but they are mixed with the tears of gratitude that always there is hope.

It is a privilege to serve the Lord. It is a treasure to be open to His message. It is joy to know God brings people across our path to speak to us.

Great plans he has for me.

Dayenu.

Special Needs Sandwich

There were moments today that certainly did not reflect the fact that I spent eight weeks last fall teaching a Peacemakers class.

Oops.

I think it is a mistake to think that being a peace maker translates to "everything is always peaceful". Or that "peaceful" equals "quiet". Right?

My hubby said, "That nurse is always so nice to me."

Let me be clear. I did not imply she wasn't nice. What I said was that her decisions meant that we were much further away from where we wanted to be. She was very nice about it.

But the results were the pits.

And I was upset about it.

And now she, the administrator of the nursing home, and several mouth-wide-open onlookers know it. As I apologized for my outburst to one of the physical therapists she said, "It's okay. It is perfectly understandable." 

Finally a voice of reason.

In this current season of life, several times a week I drop my daughter with special needs off at school and travel 35 miles to attend to my mother and father in law, who, with different stages of dementia, also have special needs. I find myself taking deep breaths just to get through the day.

Loving people is not easy. And wanting really great things with extremely limited resources is a  challenge.

When the rehabilitation center my father in law is in wanted to reduce his "mood" medication I was not happy. How do you explain that his good moods are a sign that something is terribly wrong? They didn't believe me...laughed it off...said it would be fine.

After a long day of refusal to do therapy, bad news from a Neurologist, and having to take my mother in law down the hall to her own room, he gritted his teeth and growled at me. Half an hour later, as I took a few things into his room, he threw up his hands at me and said, "Get out of here! I don't want to see you."

And my heart broke.

Not for me, I know better. My heart broke because he was truly that emotionally agitated--whether it was rational or not--and now we have to move him again.

To...I don't know where. On paper they belong in an Alzheimer's facility. In real life, they are two sweet, old people who just want to be together. They won't run away. They won't get violent. They won't walk down the hall naked.

But they won't remember who I am without some coaching. And often don't remember their last meal. And could never be responsible for their own medications. But don't need to be surrounded by people who can't carry on conversations. And that means we. are. stuck.

So I try to remind myself that God has it all under control. But that is currently and exercise in discipline, and not anything close to an emotion.

I just don't feel it.

But I want to.

And I will keep praying that God will turn my want to into an emotion. That HIS peace will wash over me and I will know what to do.

Meanwhile, I go hug my little peanut--the daughter who is different--and that restores me. Sometimes I feel like I am in a Special Needs Sandwich...that in between generation...and the filling is a bit thin...but I need to go on...

Themz Fightin' Words...

There was tension in the air, and it was thick.

"I have 6 speech therapy appointments, 5 doctor appointments, out of town company, my father in law may have had a stroke and need to be moved to a different facility to receive more care. I cannot set up a time to meet right now."

"Come on, Robin, you don't have an hour?'

"No. I don't. I am spent."

"Okay, a half an hour."

And that is when it became abundantly clear to me..."I will not do this. My family comes first. You are going to have to wait."

In that moment it did not matter what disagreement, misunderstanding, difficult part of being human led us to this point. I realized exactly what my priorities were, and I would not budge. No matter how offended/angry/disappointed anyone else was. My family comes first.

Less than twenty four hours later my father in law was back in the hospital with life threatening dehydration. He never returned to his previous retirement home...he is still in a rehabilitation facility.

In three short weeks I was in the Emergency Room four times with three different members of my family.

That night of intense "discussion" may be one of the best things to ever happen to me. My eyes feel open wider. My thoughts keep circling back to one notion:

What if I only spent time on things that were worth fighting for?

Can I let everything else go?

What if I spent time asking God to truly show me...if something is not worth fighting for, is it worth expending any  of my energy on it? How much of my time, energy, emotions do I waste on things, people, places that will never help someone be closer the Lord or teach my children God's ways or make me love my husband more? Does anything besides those three things really matter?

I am going to continue to dwell on this idea.

I am praying God's joy for simplicity radically changes me, and I can focus with laser intensity in a few things and achieve excellence in those few things.

I am grateful for the fighting words that helped me plant my feet and say to myself (more than anyone else) "I will not do this right now. My family needs me."

Moments

We have never really been pet people. I don't like saying goodbye to animals at the end of their life, and my hubby says we are too dysfunctional for pets. He contends they will end up being more work for him, and he already has a (very) full plate. So, this Christmas, when I got my heart set on getting a kitten for our 11 year old daughter, things got a bit tense. I assured him we would all chip in. I promised it would go well.

But his feet were a bit planted. And so were mine.

In the middle of another “discussion” I simply got honest with him. “I am not fighting for a cat,” I pleaded, “I am fighting for a moment. The time when we can buy that child a present that will make her cry is coming to an end. Our options are fewer and further between than just a few short years ago.

I am fighting for the look on her face when she sees the cat.”

And with that, he gave in.

In the teary blink of an eye, we became cat people. My daughter named her Purr; my hubby said it was short for “Purrfect.”

Although the kitty is currently in “time out” for scratching the couch, we ALL love her dearly.

God’s graciousness can shine through the tiniest of things. The tiny decision to make room for a little girl to love a kitten, and we realize it was not the thing we dreaded…it is a good thing.

Sometimes when you change your mind, you leave room for God to change your life.